


In the Cold Light of the Morning

by VincentsEyebrows



Category: Placebo (UK Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 13:19:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13765011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VincentsEyebrows/pseuds/VincentsEyebrows
Summary: Stefan went to his room and shoved himself into the shower. He took his sweat covered clothes off and turned on the hot water. Stepping underneath the shower head, he sighed lowly. His mind kept straying off to Brian’s face, to the way he yelled at him and the way he looked when he’d shove him. Stefan wanted to be mad or think of how mad he was, but he couldn’t.





	In the Cold Light of the Morning

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t published a fic in a while but I was super eager to publish this, it’s my favourite so far. Love ya all

Day by day, Stefan watched as Brian chose to seal himself from the world in the most unexpected way. He would go around, fuck all these strangers and come back with his hips hurting so much he’d barely be able to stand. Sometimes his throat was so fucked over that he wouldn’t be able to sing. Whenever he dozed off in the studios’ couch, he’d shake and curl up in the only protective way that he knew. He’d hug himself because no one else would. 

Stefan hadn’t got to taste Brian since high school. Since that time that Brian lost the bet and he had to blow every guy in the basketball team. Stefan had only kissed him on the lips, when he was last in line and they were left alone. He had kissed him and had told him that he’d love to have him in any way, but not like this. Not without Brian wanting it. 

Since that moment of overall protection, Brian hadn’t approached him sexually. It had been a year of Brian making Stefan ache in his pants, a year of the Swede watching as his bandmate complained about getting fucked so thoroughly he couldn’t walk. He spent a year watching Brian get so shitfaced he wouldn’t be able to get up from the floor or stop his endless crying. Sometimes he didn’t even remember what had he been crying for. 

Tonight, Stefan felt tired. Brian was mad, he was aching and he was so high on cocaine he could hardly speak.

“Out of my fucking way, Stef.” Brian all but barked at Stefan as he shoved at his shoulder, aiming to walk past him and straight into the dressing room. Only that he wasn’t allowed to. A hand secured around his wrist and he had to halt. “Out of my fucking way.” He repeated, slower, his body shaking from head to toe from the edge he felt. 

Stefan watched his chest rise and fall, watched his eyes dilate and his teeth grit. He looked beautiful. He looked beautiful in all his anger. “Brian, pull your shit together. The performance wasn’t bad because I missed the mark to a song. It was shitty because you were too fucking high to remember half the lyrics to your own god damned songs!” Stefan didn’t let go of his wrist, but pushed him back from it nevertheless. 

Brian’s pulse spiked and he shoved at Stefan’s chest so hard that it would probably bruise. “Fuck off! Fuck you, fuck Steve, fuck every fucking person in here! I’m fucking out!” Brian screamed at the top of his lungs and twisted his hand free. When Stefan tried to grab him again he hissed. “Touch me and I’ll cut your fucking balls off.”

Stefan let him leave. He stared at Brian’s retreating back as he disappeared into the dressing rooms and slumped against the wall. Stefan vaguely remembered Brian’s boyfriend breaking up with him over the phone, ten minutes before their performance. Brian snorted down enough cocaine to nearly faint. 

Stefan would had never treated Brian like that, he would had never hurt him so bad. The things he felt for Brian were too real, too primal to present any sense of betrayal. As he watched him get out of the shower and pull on a hoodie and sweat pants, Stefan felt his heart race. He wanted to tear the clothes away from his body, to show him how little he was and how he stood no chance of ruling over them like an intoxicated dictator. 

Brian always tried to keep things concealed and work for everyone, but he always wanted to rule over people, it was as if it reassured him, to be able to have control over something, since he didn’t possess any control over himself. 

They all got into their tour bus and Brian went for a seat in the back. He slumped against the window and drew his knees to his chest, wrecked with shame over handing such an awful performance. 

Stefan sat somewhere across him, so he could watch him in case he needed any help. The hotel was a thirty minute drive from the live house, and with the packed streets in this area, it would probably take them a good forty minutes. 

When Stefan looked from the window back to Brian, he saw him covering his face with his hands. The pale skin of his palms was dyed red and Stefan figured that his nose must be bleeding. Stefan removed his t-shirt and moved to Brian’s side, who flinched at first but let Stef press his white shirt underneath his nose. 

They sat in silence, Stefan’s hand massaging his shoulder reassuringly while the other cared to hold the shirt close to his nose. 

When they arrived to the hotel, Stefan made sure that Brian made it to his room safely and then retreated to his own. The older was always such a hassle, he couldn’t ignore him and stay mad at him, not when he always threatened to break down like porcelain half of the time. 

Stefan went to his room and shoved himself into the shower. He took his sweat covered clothes off and turned on the hot water. Stepping underneath the shower head, he sighed lowly. His mind kept straying off to Brian’s face, to the way he yelled at him and the way he looked when he’d shove him. Stefan wanted to be mad or think of how mad he was, but he couldn’t. 

In fact, he could only think of Brian’s composure breaking over that phone call, he could only think of how beautiful he looked when tears threatened to spill from his eyes and when his chest heaved with the heavy urge to cry. Stefan wondered what would it feel like to inflict such feelings to someone like Brian, someone who appeared to be so sure of himself but deep down was an insecure mess. The thoughts of Brian’s crying face made Stefan’s breath shake and he really considered turning the shower cold. 

Deciding against it, he just poured shampoo on his hands and washed his bleached hair, along with his aching body. When he stepped out he felt fresh and calm. He barely wiped himself with a towel before he threw his body on the bed, naked and tired. He was about to fall asleep on spot when the room’s phone started ringing. He picked it up with a quiet grunt. “Do you know what time it is? Brian?”

“Please come to my room, I want to talk.”

“Are you going to throw another hissy fit?” Stefan asked, the sleepiness having long since gave its place up for a feeling of worry over his friend’s wellbeing. 

“No, come on. I need you.”

That was all Stefan needed to hear. He hung up the phone and sat up. He stretched his arms a little and pulled on a t-shirt and some sweatpants. Brian’s room was two doors from his own, so he walked there and knocked. The door opened to reveal Brian, dressed in hie ex’s button up and looking smaller than ever. “Why didn’t you lock? Haven’t I told you it’s dangerous not to?” 

Brian pursed his lips and stepped aside, just to let the Swede inside. He shook as droplets from his wet hair fell to the carpet and around his feet. He slowly walked to the armchair that he had pushed to the window and sat, knees pressed close to his chest like a protective barrier. 

Stefan sat on the edge of the bed and crossed his arms in his best attempt to look mad. But he couldn’t really, not when Brian looked so broken. His pale cheeks were stained from mascara that had run from his eyes in the shower and his hair was a curly mess. “What do you want, Brian?”

Brian looked at him tiredly and sank a little in his seat. He closed his eyes. “I just wanted to see you and...” he paused. “I’m sorry. It really wasn’t your fault.” 

Stefan sighed and rubbed at his temples. “You know I’m not really mad at you, right?” Brian was standing now and pressing into the window, his breath leaving small puffs of humidity against the glass. Stef pulled himself to his feet as well and stood by Brian’s side. “I just worry.”

Brian smiled sympathetically and gave out a small nod of reluctance. “I know. I’m still sorry for lashing out.” He whispered and his ice blue eyes followed Stefan’s moves. 

Stefan leaned a little closer, his face hovering right above Brian’s. “You know I would never be mad. And you know that I would never hurt you.”

Brian didn’t really speak, because he felt the weight of the moment come crushing down on his shoulders. He tried to come up with words, but Stefan came closer to him and Brian had to tilt his head to the side. “No, Stef, that’s wrong.” 

Stefan sighed in exasperation and threw his hands up in defeat. “What’s wrong about this, Brian? You fuck all these assholes on a daily basis, you’ve told me you love me so many times when you’re high off your ass, but when it comes to touching you it’s wrong? I’m not your fucking little toy to just return to when your dumb boyfriends toss you away.” Stefan felt outraged, he took a step back and he would already be making a walk for his room, if it wasn’t for the desperate hands that latched on his wrist. 

Brian felt and looked overwhelmed, tears threatening to spill. “Don’t go, I’m sorry. I just- I don’t want you to get hurt, Steffie. Everyone ends up bruised after being with me and– I don’t want to do this to you.” His eyes were downcast and his body shook with its attempts to keep the tears back. 

Stefan felt his pulse in his throat, his eyes taking in Brian’s form hungrily. But something about his words made him feel sorry. “Bri, what are you saying?” Stefan’s voice was gentle as he approached him again. “You won’t hurt me. You can’t hurt me.” When Brian looked at him in confusion, his expression softened and melted into a genuine smile. “Because I love you.”

Brian shook his head and wanted to step back, conflict tearing through his entire being and he knew Stefan could see it. “No, you don’t know how it is–“

Stefan grabbed Brian’s face into his hands, firmly and securely. “Why won’t you just let go, for once?” His voice tainted with some underlying anger. “Submit to your feelings and submit to me.” His thumbs traced over Brian’s face, over his eyebrow and over his lower lip and he knew his breath hitched. “Don’t you think it has been driving me mad? Ever since I walked in here you’ve been standing in that bastard’s button up, you’ve been crying for him. Do you know how bad I want to rip it off your body and expose you to the world for who you are? The only tears I want in your eyes are tears of pleasure.” Their lips hovered inches apart now, Stefan was practically breathing into Brian’s face. “When you get mad and start bossing everyone around, fuck, I want to push you into the bathroom stall and fuck some sense into you again. And the thing is,” he paused for a moment, to lean into Brian’s ear. “I know that you want it too.”

Brian felt weak at the knees as he listened, a warmth spread between his legs and he found himself grasping at Stefan’s shirt with his shaking hands. He gently pushed the hands of the man he loved away from his face and momentarily saw the disappointment in his expression. Instead of leaving, he started undoing the buttons of his shirt. 

A strange rush tore through Stefan as he closed the distance between them and grabbed at each side of Brian’s shirt. He pulled at it hard enough to have all the buttons popping and shoved it off the older’s bony shoulders. He grabbed the chin of a shaking Brian and whispered to him words that had him breathing heavily. “Don’t ever wear that again.”

Brian wrapped his arms around himself, his eyes closing shut as Stefan studied him this close. His skin was exposed for the world to see and he felt so vulnerable. His arms were pulled away from his body, stripping him off his last protective barrier. 

“Sit on the bed and don’t hide your body.” Stefan sounded firm but he wasn’t pressing. He never touched bellow Brian’s waist, not even once. He wanted to make sure that the older wasn’t forcing himself into this. 

Brian nodded meekly as he walked to the bed and climbed to the middle of it. He sat on his knees and let his gaze drift to these sheets that were so clean it felt inhuman, impersonal. No scent, just sterilised cloth. The mattress sunk by his side and his breath hitched as his face was held for once more, his lips slightly parted as he eased his eyes shut. 

Overcome with need and pent up frustration, Stefan found himself holding on a bit too tight. He kissed his partner deeply, his opened mouth pushing him to let their tongues touch and intertwine. He felt Brian shift underneath him and press his thighs together. Stefan’s hands held at his sides and bit at his fleshy lips. 

Stefan was a man lost in the desert and Brian was his oasis, he needed him in order to survive. Brian’s neck was his water and his throat was dry. He kissed his pale flesh and sucked without much finesse, eager to mark him and leave leftovers of their activities for Brian to see. 

“Stef, Stef– That hurts.” Brian whispered, his heart beating in his throat as he tipped his head back. He clutched at Stefan’s arm for leverage but he found himself immobilised. The kisses softened as a small apology.

Stefan sat back just for a moment and yanked his t-shirt over his head. He took hold of Brian’s hips and yanked them towards him unceremoniously, which caused for Brian’s pale body to hit into the mattress. Stefan hovered over him and his teeth attacked a protruding collarbone, at the same time that his hands skimmed all over his chest, as if he was trying to memorise a map with just his touch. 

Brian’s chest heaved and his breath caught, the bones of his chest coming out from the way he arched his back. A moan caught in his throat as Stefan pinched at his nipples and massaged them, his lips clenching shut in near shyness, as if he was too afraid to enjoy the ministrations he was receiving. 

Stefan started sucking dark small marks that bloomed all over Brian’s chest. His hand moved down and took hold of his partner’s member and squeezed without a warning. He watched Brian gasp and twist, his lips hanging open. “Why won’t you let go, Brian?” He stroked him slowly and felt him twitch in his hand. “Stop holding back. When was the last time that you truly enjoyed yourself? When was the last time you got fucked so thoroughly you forgot how to speak?”

Brian moaned at the mere sound of these words and his hips pushed into the Swede’s palm almost instinctively. He swallowed the lump on his throat and breathed deeply. He let his body relax but still gave an expression of reluctance to the Swede. 

“Do you have any lube here?” Stefan asked and sat up a little, yet his hand remained possessive on Brian’s thigh, gripping just enough to remind him that he belonged to him for the night. 

Brian pushed himself to his elbows and looked up with his big blue eyes as he nodded. They hid so many unsaid things, from apologies to whispers of desire. 

Stefan kissed him on the lips and then bit at his ear. “Go get it.” He whispered lowly and sat back. He watched as Brian turned around and crawled to the end of the bed to get the lube from his suitcase. As soon as he got hold of it, Stefan held him from the waist and pulled him back, effectively making his body crash into the mattress. He held him down from the nape and took the lube from his hand. “Stay put.”

Brian all but moaned every time Stefan pulled him around like a rag doll, his little body easy to drag for someone like the Swede. Stefan’s lips were on his back, pressing kisses down his spine as his hands massaged his buttocks. Brian pressed his face into the pillow and let out a little huff of impatience. 

Stefan lubed his fingers and settled for the little points of protruding bones above Brian’s ass. His lips fixed on them, sucked little patterns as his fingers traced up and down his entrance. He made sure Brian was relaxed and pushed in a finger. He watched him tense and shift, yet still tried to sit still as Stefan had instructed him to. He didn’t waste much time on the first finger, the second was quick to push past his tight muscles and make him whimper. He started thrusting fast and right into his spot, which had Brian crying out his name in need. 

Brian bit down into the pillow as Stefan fucked right into his prostate with his fingers, his eyes growing teary from the intense sense of stimulation. “Stef…” he breathed and he probably choked on the mere word when he was teased again. Brian had imagined this for a long while, he had wanted to feel Stefan so bad. Yet something inside him still gripped at his heart so tight that he could hardly breathe. He was going to hurt Stefan. He loved that man, Stefan was his everything, he shouldn’t be meddling with someone like him. He let out the choked whimper he had been holding in when Stefan’s hand covered his eyes from behind and his lips pressed into his hair. 

“God, don’t cry. I love you so much.” Stefan whispered and pressed another long kiss into the black mess of hair that was Brian’s head. He felt him shake with tears underneath him, but Stefan knew that words did little to comfort Brian. So he kept it up, he pushed a third finger inside him and watched him arch, his cries mixing with moans and creating an obscene sound.

Stefan sighed and let his other arm wrap around Brian’s body for what seemed like an eternity. He pulled his fingers out and sat back. “Lay back, Brian, it’s fine.” Brian shook his head and Stefan carefully turned him around and held his cheeks. “You can always show yourself to me.”

Brian did the first move for the night, he pulled himself into a sitting position and kissed Stefan on the lips, a slow and gentle touch. The tears stopped running and his hands found Stefan’s cheeks. It was a quiet moment, a moment of peace to their sorrowful exchange. When he pulled back, he looked up with a little coy expression. 

Stefan caressed Brian’s neck with his thumb and felt the never ending urge to kiss him again. “Lay down, I want to look at you.” Stefan instructed as he planted his hands on Brian’s narrow shoulders. He pushed until the older was on his back and staring at him, his pupils somewhat dilated from the drug that still had to wear off completely. He was sweaty and his dark hair was splayed like a hallo underneath his head.

Stefan stood for a moment, just to push down his sweatpants and underwear. He settled between Brian’s legs and poured a genuine amount of lubricant on his palm. He gave a few tags on his cock, to relieve some of the build up pressure. A long, throaty, moan left him when he felt Brian’s hand on him. Their hands worked together for a moment and Stefan felt more built up than ever. “Hands above your head.” 

Brian did as he was told and put his hands on the pillow above his head. Stefan was soon to grip them and hold them down with just one of his hands. With his other one, Stefan guided himself to the older’s entrance. He just kept the tip of his cock against Brian’s entrance, putting enough pressure for it to quiver but not quite to slide in. It was driving Brian crazy with need. “Stef–“ Then he pushed in in one go and Brian’s eyes widened, his head tipped back and his skin crawled at the sudden pain that tore through him. 

“You look so beautiful,” Stefan begun, a cheeky smile spreading on his sharp features. “Sweating, tearing up on my cock.” Stefan taunted as he kissed the corner of Brian’s lips and drew his hips back. When he pushed back in, he heard that sound that he had been craving to hear for so long. The sound of Brian crying out in a mix of pain and pleasure. 

Stefan started fucking into Brian with an intense pace, his hips snapping back and forth hard enough to make their skin slap together. Brian’s body kept going back and forth with the sheer force of their pace and he found himself breathing with difficulty. Stefan let go of his hands and grabbed a fistful of Brian’s hair instead. He tilted the older’s head back with sheer force and groaned at the sight bestowed upon him, Brian’s adam’s apple exposed and his eyes rolling back in pure pleasure. 

Brian’s hands fisted at the bedsheets and he bit on the inside of his cheek, loud groans tearing through his throat that were borderline pornographic. Stefan’s hips slapped into his own with malicious force and he felt like he was losing his mind. His back arched and he closed his eyes tightly, body bouncing on Stefan’s cock. 

Stefan planted his lips against Brian’s and felt the heat of his mouth, the storm of different sensations that his body was experiencing. Moans gradually turned to needy gasps and Stefan could feel that Brian would lose his breath every time he’d slam right into his prostate. Walls kept squeezing him down and quivering and right then, he really was in heaven. And so was Brian, whose eyes had rolled to the back of his head and whose mouth was letting out animalistic groans as he got pounded so thoroughly that he’d feel it next morning. 

“Stef! Stef!” All train of thought lost, Brian could only concentrate on yelling out his partner’s name. His insides were on fire and his skin crawled all over with the need to release. “Touch me, touch me, Steffie…” he grunted, his chest heaving with a need for air. 

Stefan was panting with the effort of keeping Brian in a constant state of delirium. He gripped his hair tighter and slapped his ass. All sorrow had vanished from that face and got replaced by the most beautiful expression that Stefan had ever seen. 

Pure bliss spread through Brian’s face as Stefan took hold of his cock and started jerking him in time with his thrusts. His brows furrowed and his head tilted further into Stefan’s hand. His legs shook against his lover and he knew that he was going to burst. He cried out Stefan’s name, voice mixing with breathless gasps. He saw white behind his eyelids and he had to grab at the headboard of the bed with his hand, trying to find some leverage as Stefan knocked his breath out with each desperate thrust. Stefan massaging the tip of his cock had his eyes roll back and his mouth gape open. He came, long spurts of whiteness staining his stomach as he arched and tensed like a wire, like the strings on the Swede’s bass. The moan he let out felt alien, muffled to his ear, because he released so hard that his head buzzed and he felt dizzy. 

Stefan’s thrusts lost all rhythm and pattern during Brian’s orgasm, because the sight had been intense enough to trigger his own. A long groan and he threw his head back, release wrecking through him as he buried himself deep inside Brian for one last time. They stayed still for a few moments, just gasping for air and trying to come down from their mind blowing orgasms. They looked into each other as soon as they felt like they could open their eyes. 

Stefan carefully pulled back and slumped on the bed by Brian’s side. He pushed his black hair out of his sweat covered face and kissed his forehead, a slow and sincere gesture. 

Brian’s eyes followed Stefan’s face as he retreated. They seemed slow and unfocused, because he still felt too dizzy from their intercourse. He was pulled right into the Swede’s arms and all he wanted and could do was press his face into his neck. 

Stefan caressed his back and hair, but always held him so reassuringly. “You don’t know what I’ve been feeling about you all this time.” The Swede whispered right into his ear and pushed a strand of sweat damp hair behind it. 

Brian looked up and tried to come up with the right words for a moment. “I love you, Stef.” He nearly choked these words out as tears pooled into his eyes. It was like a heavy weight left his chest, the words he had been holding back all this time were finally out in the clean and he felt beyond relieved. “I’m just– I’m just such a mess, Stef, I don’t want to hurt you. I can never keep someone happy, not when I don’t feel this sort of happiness myself.”

Stefan shook his head and hushed him down, a sympathetic look on his serene face. “Just being close to you makes me happy.” He kissed the tip of Brian’s nose and wiped at his tears. “I know who you are and I know what you are like. I’m the one who holds your hand in the airplane when you panic, I am the one who reassures you that you’re perfect before an interview, I’m the one who deals with your tantrums after show. I,” Stefan paused and made Brian look at him. “I am the one that loves you and knows every bit of you. Not some fucking asshole who kept you around because you were a good fuck.”

Brian closed his eyes as the tears made it hard to see, his chest heaving. “I don’t want to be hurt anymore.” He sobbed out, the mascara from his eyes staining his already tainted skin. “I can’t take it anymore, Stef.” 

“I won’t hurt you. I swear, I won’t.” Stefan’s words were firm like steel and they set a barrier of safety around them. “I just want you to be happy. Because when you are, I can be too.” The smile he gave probably beamed light into the dark room. It was contagious, because in a moment Brian was smiling too, despite his tears. “You mean the world to me. Ever since we met, I fell in love.” 

Brian nodded in reluctance, he believed in Stefan’s promise. He knew he wouldn’t hurt him. He breathed deep and pressed his face into his neck. “Stay with me tonight, Stef.” He whispered, voice quiet yet genuine. “I need you.” 

“I’ll be here. I’ll be here when you wake up sick, when you wake up feeling like you can’t get up. I’ll take care of you.” Stefan pressed a firm kiss to his hair. 

“I love you, Stefan.” Brian practically giggled this out, a warmth waking in his chest that he hadn’t experienced in years.

They spent the entire night laid together, smoking cigarette after cigarette and drinking beers from their refrigerator. They would laugh and talk about their future plans, they would kiss and remind each other how much each of them mattered. 

That day, Brian delivered a performance he was proud of, there weren’t backstage fights, just hugs and kisses of encouragement from the Swede that changed his life. 

He felt happy.


End file.
